Keep Calm and Trust in Taaruf

Keep Calm and Trust in Taaruf

By: Modern BhenDate: January 8th, 2015

These days, there are thousands of ways to date. You might  find your Modern Bhai  through friends, at a wedding, casual Facebook stalking, or through the relentless badgering of TNC aunties… but none of them are quite as complicated as the Taaruf experience.

Taaruf is an event  coordinated by the TNC (the Taiseer-un-Nikah committee dedicated to matching  single Bohris across the globe with one another) in various cities around the world. Oh, you haven’t been to a Taaruf yet? Let me break it down for you:

Pre-Taaruf Process

Your mother receives a call from Matchmaker Mehmoona Aunty  about an upcoming Taaruf, and your mother then calls you with an ultimatum. Go to Taaruf or watch her die unfulfilled and grandchildless. So you relent  and fill out  the application to this odd, exclusive matrimonial convention.  The application asks you basic questions such as your gender, your  country of origin, and your E-Jamaat number. Under the age category, the options available for females are: [15-18], [19-21], and [21-35].  They also ask you to check your interests from the following options for women:  

Once accepted to the Taaruf program, if you are a Modern Bhai, grab your topi and no further work required.  

For Modern Bhens, consider the Taaruf equivalent to a Bohri prom.  If you don’t wear a rida full time, you will be tasked with the challenge of expressing  your usual fashion sense using only your wrists, face, and possibly your ankles, depending on how progressive this Taaruf is. Word of caution; 3-D rida embellishments and  sequin explosions  don’t have quite the aphrodisiac effect that Bohri Aunty’s seem to think.

Taaruf – Three Day Flirt Fest

You’ve made it! You’ve arrived safely at the host city and you find yourself sharing a room with seven other young Bohri women from across the world at the home of a local Aunty who has graciously offered to host.

Most of the program takes place at the Masjid or a local tourist hot spot, and every candidate is given a name tag with a number and assigned to a counselor. The Taaruf is kicked off with a standard Thursday night darees. Between mataam and wasilas, the elders of the community impart their best dating advice to the nervous candidates. Here are a few paraphrased nuggets:

• Please give us another reason to have more khushi darees’/jamans
• Getting married is the ultimate Bohri rite of passage
• Nikah ma Maula ni khushi che
• You’ve peaked, stop being picky!
• Successful matches made during this particular Taaruf ONLY will give couples the exclusive once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be married by Maula’s hand
• Marriage will literally solve all of your social, financial, and spiritual problems

After the darees, candidates are grouped by age: the ideal 15-18 marriageable group, the slightly ripe 19-21 college group, and 21-35 seemingly hopeless group. (Anyone older than 35 is considered “expired,” and thus ineligible for Taaruf). Each group is then assigned various ice breakers that test not only for personality traits, but also allow others to discern where you fall in the jamaat pecking order. These ice breakers are an excellent way to scope out the meat (and the competition) for the weekend and warm up for the speed-dating event the next day. Proceed carefully Bhens, you don't want to show all your cards at once!

Speed Dating

This is the single most crucial activity of the entire weekend – come well rested and with your game face on, because you will be meeting EVERY type of male Taaruf goer today. Typical matches include:

The Serial Taaruf Goer 

This ain’t his first rodeo. He LOVES Taaruf, and has been to every single one since 2002. He’s familiar with the culinary skills and architectural inspiration of every Masjid from Toronto to Colombo.  While his actual intentions regarding matrimony are unclear, what IS clear is that he is already Facebook friends with 90% of the people there.

The Bhai with Serious Intentions

This bhai is here to play ball, and came equipped with his Tasmiyat paperwork, Safai chitti, and has Hawaij.org bookmarked on his phone so he can send immediate nikah arzi to Maula. Watch out, Modern Bhens! He’ll have himself and his parents on the next flight to your hometown to have you mou mitha’d and set a wedding date all before you can ask “Sorry, what did you say your name was?”

Mr. Too-Cool-to-be-there 

This guy makes it clear that he has plenty of cooler things to do, and is resentful that he is spending his valuable time at Taaruf. He checks his phone three times a minute, and spends the rest of his time giving you the judgmental stink eye for looking for love at Taaruf.

Mr. Friend-Zone 

While this bhai catches the eye of many Modern Bhen’s, the sparks just don’t fly. But haaaaa-aay, he’s got great fashion sense and accessorizes that topi/kurta like a boss (check out his #OOTD). His cattiness and witty observations may have you clutching your pardi in laughter, but unfortunately, you know this bhai can’t go anywhere but the friend-zone.

The Ulterior Motive Bhai 

This bhai ain’t got time for chit chat. He has his H-1B form in hand and opens with “do you have green card?” His eyes light up like a mumin looking at a plate of biryani in Ramadan when he realizes you’re a born and bred American, and follows up with “what salary do you earn?” He’s not just looking for a wife, he’s looking for a one-way ticket to the American Dream.

The After-Party Bhai 

Darees? Speed dating? Cubical meetings? This bhai is likely a no-show.  He is ONLY here to suffer through Taaruf so that he can get to the After Party. Pitbull plays in the background whenever this Bhai walks in the room, and if you want to see his true colors, look for him on the dance floor or shooting pool at the “secret” Taaruf After Party Exclusive.

Cubicle Meetings

After navigating the murky waters of this cast of characters, your counselor will ask you for your short list of Bhai's. Choose wisely, because you may be spending some sexy cubicle time with them. Yes, you heard correctly. You will be forced to sit in a curtained 4x4 cubicle for a full 3 minutes with Bhai's (some of your choosing, and some that may have chosen you, with or without your blessing)

While After-Party Bhai is rounding up the troops for the final Taaruf After Party, your TNC counselor's will be spending their night running a mysterious Bohri algorithm determining how to match each Bhai's and Bhen's selections, and the next day, you'll be presented with a schedule of cubicles.

Nothing quite compares to the suspense of demurely drawing back a curtain to find out which Bhai is waiting for you in the cubicle. Is it the Bhai you've been secretly noticing all weekend? Or is it the one hounding you with requests for your E-jamaat number? Regardless, Bhens, whether you're suffering through it or it's the highlight of your weekend, it's only 180 seconds.

Post Taaruf: Fast Forward Six Weeks 

At this point, you have either locked and scored on your Taaruf Experience - in which case, read Dating Rules, I'm Talking to this Guy for tips on dating in the Bohri world.

More likely, you’re juggling several Post-Taaruf Relationships. After your whirlwind weekend you’re probably inundated with communications from various Bhai's.

Post-Taaruf "Dating" is always a challenge. There's the Bhai that texts you frantically day and night, despite the fact that you really gave him no encouragement, and shows up unannounced with his family at your parent's house. There's the Bhai who you liked, but really doesn't make an effort to stay in touch. There's the Bhai who's interest in you was mutual, but your post Taaruf lives really just aren't conducive to each other. Just keep in mind... if the conversation reaches a point where you find yourselves discussing the weather on a daily basis, the relationship probably isn't worth pursuing any further.

And then... there are the fairy tales. You met at Taaruf. He complimented your rida. You liked the cut of his topi. He made you laugh, then he made you blush, and next thing you knew he was flying across the country just to see you.

Regardless of how your Taaruf story begins or ends, if you're a single Bhori, it's an experience worth having. Even if you don't meet the Bhai of your dreams, you'll meet people from all walks of life and friends you'll keep for years to come. The TNC puts in a lot of hard work, and they do have an astonishing success rate. It's worth the airfare.