Modern Bhen's Guide to Bhori Weddings: A Three Month Journey from Excitement to Exhaustion

By: Modern Bhen

February 15th 2014

If you're a Modern Bhori Bhen, then you've encountered that many headed beast that we all love to hate. The Bhori Wedding.  

 
 

Many of us born and raised in the West identify with both Western and Bhori society. When it comes to this age-old rite of passage, the overwhelming expectation is that we adhere to the traditions dictated by both cultures. What this boils down to is a previously unprecedented number of wedding events. Hold on to your pardis, ladies, this is about to get real!

 

There is a series of events you can anticipate during the three month course of your friend, [Munira/Tasneem/Fatima’s] bhori wedding. 

 

The mitishitabi is the classic kick off to a bhori wedding, and hosted by the mothers of the happy couple in honor of the bride. If you're lucky, they might collaborate and throw just one.

Mithi-shindigs are usually held on Saturday or Sunday afternoons --- you’re happy to get up earlier than usual, make yourself some chai, jump in the shower, iron a voluminous three-piece jori, and spend an hour adjusting and pinning your dupatta to create that effortlessly casual V-look.

While there's really no rule on which mother hosts the first 'shitabi, the smarter mom books her dates first. This event typically involves a 30 minute majlis, some perfunctory matam, an elaborate 11-course meal, and tasbeehs for all guests.

The second 'shitabi, understandably, has some catching up to do. To make up for it's #2 status, it's required to up the ante to a 60 minute majlis, rigorous matam, a 21-course meal, and tasbeehs and attar-danis for everyone.

Darees' are hosted by the groom's family in honor of the groom for guys only, usually the bhen’s day to relax (except for ironing your guy’s saya kurta).

In deference to our Western ties, no wedding is really complete without  bridal showers and bachelorette parties. This is the bride’s chance to include her non-bhori friends in some of the pre-wedding festivities.

And now for the dholki's. These are hosted by extended family and close family friends in honor of the couple, and are really just an excuse for dance practices for the wedding. You're not much of a performer, but it's a special occasion -- [Munira/Tasneem/Fatima]'s wedding!

The moorat, wedding event #11, is the official beginning to wedding week, and is typically scheduled inconveniently on a Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday night. Your excitement may be waning at this point, but you definitely don’t want to miss the auntie’s mortar-pestle competition or the bride’s turmeric facial.

The Mehndi is almost always on a Friday night, meaning you have to rush home from work, shower, do your hair, put on your makeup, iron your clothes, find your shoes/jewelry, and rush through traffic -- all while mentally going over the choreography for your dance. You arrive only an hour late in a dizzying frenzy, to learn that the hosts are running two hours late (phew!) When you see [Munira/Tasneem/Fatima] dressed in her bridal best, a sudden gush of emotion reignites your excitement, so hold your candle high as you walk in ahead of the bride to "Mehndi Laga ke Rakhna.” Then chug an energy drink and eat a granola bar - you’re probably going to miss dinner for that last minute dance practice.

The next day is going to be rough (because the After-Party didn’t end till 4am). This is the moment all this hullabaloo has been leading up to -- The Nikah. By this point, you just want sleep and a foot massage. But its The Nikah -- you can't miss [Munira/Tasneem/Fatima’s] big moment! If you're lucky, you'll be able to sneak in a nap during the inevitably confused pre-ceremonies period. But make sure you wake up on time, because once the Nikah does begin, it will be over before the bride can read the first line of Ayatul Kursi!

 

The Rukhsati begins after dinner and is when the bride is given away... and it can take a while for the her parents, siblings, aunts, cousins, family friends and -- (if we're being honest) -- total strangers to give their blessings and take their pictures. Again -- a good opportunity to catch a few Z's.

 

The post-Rukhsati hotel party is the most awkward point of the wedding, when the bride and groom's respective posse's follow the newlyweds to their conjugal hotel room. This is our last chance to extract money from the groom. Lets be honest, we know what he wants, he knows what we want. Let’s get this over with. Pay up and spare us the embarrassment!

 

You haven't had a decent night's sleep all weekend, your blisters now have blisters, and you’re bloated from the awkward post-wedding brunch (we know what they did last night), but suck it up! It’s the grand finale -- The Valima... and inevitably... The Sari. You now have two hours to tackle a labyrinth of six yards of fabric. No matter how many safety pins you use, keeping that sucker on is a fight against gravity... but find solace in the fact that in a few hours, after a whirlwind of food and thank you speeches, this will all be over!

 

The next morning, you snooze your alarm, call in sick, and lay in bed in a state of shock that the wedding is over, and your calendar is now empty. But as this realization sinks in, so does an unexpected sense of loss... and you reminisce on the laughter, the joy and the love you were a part of for the past three months.

As you get you get out of bed to peruse your Facebook and relive the past weekend, a colorful envelope that came in with the mail catches your eye... [Insiya/Kulsum/Arwa] is getting married.

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Bhori weddings are both what we live for AND the bane of our existence. While it is hard to match the level of generosity and commitment that you see during one of these grand affairs, they can be both emotionally and physically draining. Here are the some tips to help you make the most of these celebrations...
 

- Get plenty of rest ahead of time

- Don't bite off more then you can chew

- It's okay to say No sometimes

- No chip manicures go much further than regular ones

- Drink plenty of water and stay hydrated

- Take a big purse and pack these items:

      - Makeup

      - Change of clothes

      - Contact case and solution

      - Granola bar

      - Energy drink

      - Emergency safety pins

      - Flip flops

      - Phone charger

      - Tylenol

Keywords: Bohra Bhora Bhori Bohri progressive dawoodi deen duniya women muslim ismaili shia shi'aa islam