Jagaa Wars

By: Modern Bhen

July 17, 2014 

My personal favorite night of the year is Lailatul Qadr – best described as an all-night masjid prayer lock-in. It is a night filled with spirituality, festivity, and most of all, Jagaa Wars. 

Given the present Bhori Baby Boom, masjid’s everywhere are faced with accommodating an ever-growing population within their limited confines.  On a regular night, people are generally willing to squeeze in latecomers for a quick three-rakat namaz, but a whole night consisting of dozens of namaz’, haz-e-salaat, and an overnight bag on every masila is no time for niceties.  This is all out war.

Harried masjid authorities have made attempts at strategically administering masila spots for the big night by measuring out and assigning 2x5 spots (just enough to read namaz, store a bag, and host a couple of friends between faraz) – but Lailatul Qadr is a crowd favorite, drawing never-before seen Bhen’s out of the woodwork and building excitement and chaos till civility and organization have no place in the women’s side of the masjid!

Here is what really happens. You receive your jagaa assignment a week or so in advance. If you’re satisfied, you tuck away your chitti and brag about it on your Bhori-buddies WhatsApp group, “Got a spot by the wall! #RamadhanWin!!!” However, if you’re assigned a spot next to the Bhen with the triplets, the scheming begins.

When the big night actually arrives, a veritable black market of jagaa’s opens up. Bhen’s with unexpected leg injuries, visits from Aunt Flo, or sick children will hustle in nooks and crannies to secure goods in exchange for their spots. jagaa’s against the wall in the front of the wakaf are the priciest, while the ones near bathrooms and children are considerably cheaper. Marketable items for exchange are cans of red bull, good candy, and (for the deen-not-duniya Bhen) the latest laminated pamphlet or saifa.

For those desperate Bhens in need of a spot for whom the black market has failed, there are three tactics I’ve frequently seen employed:

1.       The Creeper Bhen – First, she will set her bag down at the edge of your spot, tell you she’ll be right back, and makes herself scarce for a few minutes right before Faraz. As soon as you take your Niyat for Faraz, she returns with a pleading smile, taking advantage of your forced silence, and squeezes herself onto your masila. But she doesn’t leave. After namaz, she lingers for conversation, using her charm and candy as distractions to slowly but surely spread her masila over half of your 2x5 spot -- and suddenly you realize she has totally crept onto your spot and set up camp for the night.

 

2.       The Ninja Bhen – After Vasheque, you decide it’s time to make the rounds, get some fresh air, and maybe redo your wuzu, just in case. You spread out all the appropriate flags indicating your intention to come back (Saifa open, half eaten snacks, tasbeeh spread out, and bags carefully placed along the edge of your spot), and you decide it is safe to leave base camp.  When you return to your spot fifteen minutes later… BAM! You’ve been hit by Ninja Bhen.

Masila? Crumpled up in a corner.

Snacks? Distributed among the nearby toddlers.

Tasbeeh/Saifa? Sitting forlornly on a distant window sill.

Bag? Nowhere to be found.

And sitting in your assigned spot? Ninja Bhen. 

She’d been eyeing your prime real estate all night and was lurking close-by, just waiting for you to give her a window of opportunity.

 

3.       The Aggressive Bhen – This type of Bhen prefers a much more direct approach, and is the most difficult of the three, because this one is usually your resident outspoken 230-lb Kulsum Aunty. She won’t try to creep in or steal your spot in your absence – she will fight it out, loudly claiming that the jagaa is hers (or her poor daughter in-law’s, who is unable to get a word in edgewise). She will shout, she will appeal to those around her, she will call on the masjid authorities, and ultimately create a scene until you are forced to concede and move out of sheer embarrassment (Even though it’s your jagaa!)

Short of coming for Zohr/Asr namaz earlier in the day and sewing your masila to your spot, it is inevitable that by the end of the night, your 2x5 spot will have shrunk into a 1x3, leaving you approximately enough space to read namaz in the fetal position. This is why we equip ourselves on this Most Holiest of Nights with Patience, Forbearance, and Chocolate.

Lailatul Qadr Mubarak, and stay strong Bhens!

(and awake)